Day 310 - Danny Katz on straying cats

I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to be brutally honest. I absolutely love Danny Katz and have been completely smitten by his brilliant wit and humour for years. He's a columnist for The Age and the Sydney Morning Herald, but what I especially love is him as the Modern Guru in the weekly Good Weekend magazine where he "solves your ethics and etiquette dilemmas". Heck he's a big part of the reason I subscribe to The Age in the first place.

His responses to everyday dilemmas are nothing short of genius and always have me guffawing so violently that Snowflake gives me weird looks.

I had a big smile when I came across the following while sorting through old newspapers.. Danny talks cats!

"My cat has been spending long periods at the neighbours' house, lured by roast lamb and warmth. Now she's staying for sleepovers. Help!"
M.B., BALLARAT, VIC

Danny's response:
"Statistics tell us that up to 40 per cent of spouses are victims of infidelity, and I'm sorry to break it to you so bluntly, but your cat is seeing someone else. All the signs are there: she's eating at the neighbours' house more often, not even touching the delicious meal you spent hours lovingly preparing - Friskies Tuna, Liver and Cheese, dumped in an old ice-cream tub you used to use for paint. She's staying out all night and sneaking home the next morning, and if you start yelling, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU DIRTY LITTLE MINX?", she just turns her back on you, giving you that cruel "talk to the sphincter cos the ears ain't lissnin'" stance. I bet she's even started bringing you little gifts: a selection of creamy soft-centred dead mice lined up at the back door. Don't fall for them: they're guilt mice.

You need to do something fast or you'll lose her forever, so try reinvigorating the relationship. Start preparing her roast lamb dinners yourself, plated up in a quality ceramic Hello Kitty bowl. Spend more quality time together in the evenings, cosying up on the couch with the heater on, watching her favourite TV shows: Bondi Vet or any footy match with the Geelong Cats. And become a more caring, attentive partner, patting her more, deworming her less, and playing that fun game where you run around the house dragging a piece of ribbon for her to chase, and sometimes she even gets off the couch to chase it."